This year, due to continuing lack of support from family and friends, I'm giving up my traditional resolution of not smoking in the New Year. I can no longer face their mockery and derision when I joyously proclaim another day/week/month without a cigarette. It hurts when they roll their eyes and snort bitter laughs. “You don’t smoke,” they tell me. “You’ve never smoked. You can’t resolve to quit smoking unless you are, in fact, a smoker. Look it up.”
So this year, I resolve to stay out of prison.
I also resolve to resist being drawn into conversation with blinky-eared people. No place is safe from them. Last week I was selecting Granny Smiths in the Piggly-Wiggly when I heard, “The bananas look good.”
I looked across the fruit display to see a young woman in business clothes.
I replied, “Yes, they do, don't they?”
“Should I get some?”
Always happy to help a fellow shopper, I answered, “Sure, why not?”
“How many do you want?” she asked.
“Oh, none, thank you. I'm getting apples.”
She changed the subject. “What about cheese?”
“Um, well, cheese is good with apples...”
“And ice cream?”
Our conversation seemed to be veering off-track, but I did my best.
“I don't know that cheese is good with ice cream,” I told her.
The young woman shot me a look of annoyance and said “Do you MIND!” As she turned away, I saw the blinking light by her ear and heard her say, “I don't know. Some crazy lady... Do you need milk?”
I’ve decided the real challenge of resolutions is finding the right people to share them with. Those closest to you know too much, and complete strangers don’t respond with the desired encouragement. When they fail to see a blinky light by your ear, they scurry nervously away down the cereal aisle.
The ideal confidants are casual acquaintances who will be simultaneously fascinated to learn of your vices, and impressed by your willpower in giving them up.
“Really?” they exclaim in wonderment. “You just went cold turkey on (insert vice here)? “Wow. Must be tough. Have some chocolate. Or would you prefer tequila?”
I resolve to find those people.
Funny! Though I don't really approve of talking to *anyone*, let alone strangers. If, however, you'd like to mail me your New Year irresolutions, I'd be happy to keep them in a drawer as proof of your sincerity. Provided, of course, you cover shipping and handling [I know USPS frowns on sending cash through the mail, but I have no such compunctions).
ReplyDeleteI'm intruiged that you have created an entire category called "Conversations with blinky-eared people." Will this be a recurring theme?
gh
Dear gh,
ReplyDeleteI suppose "Conversations with Blinky-Ears" could become a recurring theme if warranted. Here in the high-tech Northwest Blinky-Ears roam in great numbers; are they prevalent in other regions as well?
Thank you for your interest in my New Year's 'irresolutions'. (Excellent term; I have adopted it.) I'm delighted to report that I have managed to remain unincarcerated thus far. But the year is young...
Best wishes for 2011 from
F. Gibbet