(previously published in the Arizona Daily Star)
I began teaching science back when Einstein still combed his hair, and each year has added to my list of “don’ts.” Don’t eat the chemicals. Don’t stick flammable objects (pencil, paper, your partner) in the burner flame. If you get acid on your thumb and it becomes uncomfortable, don’t lick it off.
I used to wonder why I had to spell out these common-sense caveats for students, until I saw something on TV that clearly identified the source of the problem. The culprit is Jane Seymour.
I admit I’m not a fan of Ms. Seymour, mostly because of an interview in which she described how she regained her slender figure 17 minutes after giving birth to twins. She credited an exercise program that featured a huge rubber band, which she ate. This gave her a pleasant feeling of fullness, thus preventing her from eating anything else. Ever. (Correction: I have just been informed that Ms. Seymour never ate a huge rubber band. Ms. Seymour is a devotee of natural methods to enhance health and beauty, so she would never utilize a huge rubber band as a weight-loss aid. It was, in fact, a gigantic tapeworm, organically hand-raised by Tibetan monks.) (Further correction: I have now been informed that Ms. Seymour does not utilize tapeworms, either. She is blessed with a high metabolism and eats whatever she wants without gaining an ounce. This is greatly admired by her many adoring fans, who I ask not to hurt me.)
Anyway, Ms. Seymour, smiling sweetly and surrounded by her staff of 67, explained that there is no excuse for any woman not to quickly regain her pre-pregnancy figure, because the rubber band exercise program is so simple and takes only moments a day. Then she unhinged her lovely jaw and swallowed her personal trainer.
That interview, though annoying, is not why I blame Ms. Seymour for my students’ confusion about lab safety. No, the reason is her TV show, “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,” in which an 1880’s American frontier doctor relied on her skill, spunk, and a huge rubber band to perform medical procedures no one else dared attempt. Brain surgery, kidney transplants, extreme makeovers -- nothing was too much for Dr. Quinn. “This patient needs cheek and chin implants right now! We can’t wait 100 years for the medical technology that will make it possible! Light the lantern, fetch the carbolic acid and fire up the LaserJet 6000! I’m going in!”
I never would have seen the show if not for my son’s fascination with cows. While his “Tom Kitten” video rewound after our 987th viewing, to his great delight there appeared upon the TV screen “COWCOWCOWCOWCOW!!!” It was a cow-intensive episode of “Dr. Quinn.” She and some other pioneer folk were herding cattle (cloned by Dr. Quinn) from Malibu to Cannes when they realized they were in the path of a prairie fire. Much consternation ensued, but there was only one course of action to take. Since the prairie on the other side of the fire had already burned, it was now safe. So everyone had to run through the giant wall of flame to get there.
I’m not sure how Dr. Quinn and company convinced the cattle and horses of the wisdom of this plan, animals generally having more sense than Hollywood writers, but sure enough, everyone made it through unignited. Dr. Quinn appeared last, after a suspenseful pause. One cheek artfully smudged, she gracefully swooned from the wagon seat into the arms of a guy who looked like a refugee from the cover of a romance paperback. All ended happily, and I was left to flip through my Fire Safety Manual looking for the section on ‘Stop, Drop and Run into the Wall of Flames.’ (It’s not there.)
Now, how can we expect our youth to understand and follow safety procedures when Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman so blatantly disdained them? Not that she’s the only safety scofflaw. Walker, Texas Ranger (or his stunt double) routinely defied the laws of physics and most of the contiguous 48 states as he fought the evil minions of K.A.O.S., T.H.R.U.S.H., and S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Even worse, Walker refused to have a stunt double sing his theme, inflicting untold emotional distress on the American public by warbling it himself. (“Cause the eyes of the Ranger are upon yewww, any wrong yew do he’s gonna see...”)
Correction: I have been informed that young people today have never seen “Dr. Quinn” or “Walker, Texas Ranger”, and that I should turn my attention to someone named Vin “ the Rock” Diesel.
PS “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” fans: Please stop slashing my tires.
PPS “Walker, Texas Ranger” fans: Yewww, too.
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